So today of dear fans of mine, I’m going to be dropping a review of Appaloosa on you. Enjoy yourself fagots (yeah, I’m STILL using the word so suck one)

Appaloosa stars 2 heavy hitters on the screen in Vigo Mortenson, who we all know as Aragon from Lord of the Rings, Ed Harris, who you know from just about every bad ass movie from the past 5 years… (Ignoring National Treasure 2), & Jeremy Irons, a classically trained bad ass, and poor mans Daniel Plainview from “There Will be Blood”, Appaloosa is a complicated western film, its part buddy flick, part romance, and a little bit of an ironic comedy. Now I know what you’re saying, “Kevin how can a western have romance in it, and is good?” Well little Jimmy, because the “love” interest in the movie is a WHORE, but more on that later.

So for me as a western junky, I was fucking on board from the opening credits, the film opens up with the marshal of this small town getting gunned down trying to arrest some gang members from Randall Bragg’s (played by Irons) gang, for rape and murder. Now let me start by saying this, any movie that starts with the lines “We are here for your 2 men Bragg, they raped and murdered a woman” then those 2 guys get shot, you’re about to be taken on a magical journey to amazing town, (toot toot) next stop, me… So anyways, the marshal and his 2 men are shot. The townspeople are now scared shitless because there is this punk ass Bragg and his gang of merry fucking men stealing from them, and raping their women. Well there’s only one thing to do, Hire 2 fucking gunslingers to handle this shit. Enter Virgil Cole (Mortenson) & Everett Hitch (Harris).

These two soft hearted guys are known throughout the west as peacemakers, which basically means towns with problems, hire these 2 bad ass to come in, become marshal’s and clean shit up, then ride out in the sunset. Virgil and Everett have been doing this job for a long time, and they are good at it. We learn that they first met a few years back when Everett, who’s known as one of the best gunslingers, was in some trouble with a couple punks, and Virgil backed him up with his 8 gauge shotgun, yes that’s right… 8 gauge.. So that’s how our heroes meet. Well, they come riding into town and meet with town officials to discuss the terms of them cleaning shit up. As with any hired guns they have some “special” requests, basically they want to be Mayor/marshal all in one, which means they can make laws up on the spot to suit THEIR needs, instead of working around the law, they make the fucking law.

Well with their new powers of Fuck-dic-ulous-ness, they decide to make their presence known to the gang, apparently there is 2 gang members pissing over everything in the bar, thus justice must be rendered. Cole and Hitch head into the place with the best intentions of course, they try to convince the 2 men to come quietly to jail, the men do not want to go, thus they get opened up with the 8 gauge, problem solved. Well word gets around to Bragg that these 2 law men are fucking with his shit, and as every good bad guy knows, that shit can’t happen, so he decides to confront Cole and Hitch, and what happens next is probably one of the few AMAZING scenes in cinema, the give and take between Harris and Irons is amazing, they both state their cases, and both know that at some point their different points of view are going to end badly, very badly, all the while Cole sits in the corner with his 8 gauge pointed at the gang, not saying anything..

Enter the love interest, Rene Zellweger, yeah I know, I practically shot my penis off when I saw her come on screen. Her big stupid pudgy, pig face is the worst part of this movie, but her character is interesting to say the least. Right away Everett takes a liking to Allison French (Fatty’s character), but us as the audience already know there is something up with this cow. So marshal duty ensues, with the 2 lawmen dispensing justice all over town. All seems to be going alright in the town, but little to no progress on arresting Bragg, until one of his ranch hands finds Cole & Hitch and tells them he will testify against Bragg for the murder of the Marshal. Of course the 2 bad asses jump at the chance to finish up what they started, so in the early hours of the morning the 2 sneak into Bragg’s camp, kidnap the mother fucker while he’s taking a shit, and ride him back to town.

Bragg stands trial and gets sentenced to a good ole fashion hangin. My favorite kind of killing. All seems to be settling in to place, Everett however is going soft, he seems to be falling for the hog that looks like a woman, however we soon find out that she in fact doesn’t care about our hero, but more about his status, she only likes the top dog in town. She pulls the move on Virgil Cole thinking he’s going to fawn over her fat face, but he shuts her down and says something to the likes of “Look bitch, me and Everett are friends, and you’re a stupid whore face, get your herpes infested lips off me”.

So Virgil and Everett pack up Bragg onto a train and head him off to the big town over to get his neck tied. On the way however, 2 other hired guns (come to find out are super badasses as well) stop the train. Apparently Bragg’s gang hired these 2 brothers to rescue him. And rescue they do, they actually hold little miss fat face hostage, thus Everett has no choice but to drop Bragg off like a puss. So they throw his punk ass out of the train and follow on foot to rescue his woman. As Cole and Hitch sneak up on the 2 hired guns they see Hitch’s woman buck naked swimming and “playing”. Needless to say this puts a damper on the whole thing so now knowing that his woman really does only want the top dog, and Hitch is NOT that anymore.

So Cole and Hitch wait and plot, lucky for them Indians attack and it creates a good enough diversion for them to move in a steal the rival gunslingers shit. After this happens, our heroes have the upper hand once again. However there is still Indians out their, and we all know those damn Red skins can’t be trusted, So Cole and Hitch decide that the best way to get outta the middle of the desert alive is to team up and protect each other from the Indians. So our boys plus the 2 hired gun brothers, Bragg and Fatty McFatAss all start making their way back to town. They meander into a town and drop Bragg off at the local sheriff’s office, but something is fishy. Cole and Hitch then discuss how they are going to decide who gets Bragg, because Cole and Hitch want him to hang, and the brothers want him to escape, well this is the old west so the decide to settle it by way of dance off. So Cole drops into his pose and the 2 brothers start to flare…. Wait… sorry that’s Step up 2 “the streets”. They have a fucking gun fight.

So at this point I’m not going to ruin the ending of the film, even though there is probably about another 30 minutes after that. This movie has solid acting from all 3 stars. Even though I hate fat face she did a solid job portraying a gold digging whore. The action was a bit lapse at times, but that’s really where the chemistry between Viggo and Harris shines. Those 2 on screen are great, and Jeremy irons is so good, he kicks his own ass. MY only true complaint with this film is that it is a bit long, I enjoyed it, but I see how some people with shorter attention spans that need shit blowing up may get bored at points. Overall I would rate this movie amazing, personally I love the movie Wyatt Earp, and so I’m going to give this film

4 out of 5 Wyatt Earp mustaches