Soccer Sucks, and Americans Don’t Want It
Now when saying “Soccer sucks”, you need to be prepared for any soccer fan that would say your an ignorant American, or an ignorant sports fan etc… to that I say go back to smoking a fag and being a fag.
Soccer is not only boring as shit with a score about every decade.. But it’s also a walking advertisement that would make Nascar blush. Everyone is trying to ram the sport down my throat, and the world has been trying to get America interested for 60 years. Guess what? Its not going to fucking happen!! Ive heard soccer fans explain, with pride, that they “run” 4 miles a game. WOO HOO! We get to watch 90+ minutes of little fairies jogging around. That sure gives me reason to blow on one of those stupid fucking horns the crowd carries to every match. Know how else it sucks? Highlights of soccer encompass things that “almost happened” in the game. When ESPN has nothing else they could possibly show, then we get soccer highlights showing missed shots, missed passes, etc. That is BEYOND lame.
On top of being boring as hell, part of the strategy of the game is to be a huge pussy. I saw an ESPN highlight of a player raise his arms questioning a call and one hand came close to another players face, without touching him, to which the other player clasped his face and fell to the ground. Other player gets red carded, faker stays in the game, coach probably pats his ass and gets one of the towel boys to play with his ding dong after the game. Its pathetic, and a major factor in Americans not giving a shit about the “sport”. To top it off France is good at it, this being the backbone of my thesis that it’s a pussy sport.
Did you know about 55% of all soccer games end in a tie. TIES are WEAK. When I watch a competition theres supposed to be a WINNER. 99% of the time opposing teams will also fellate each other before and after a game, FACT.
To anyone who experienced a drunken bar trip watching soccer during World Cup and had a blast, and feel the need to defend it.. well please, Stop. First off if your getting hammered you would have fun watching female track and field… its not saying a lot. Second your around a shitload of other drunken people who want to cheer at anything as a mob… I once saw a drunk man put a cigarette out on his tongue to a thunderous applause from a crowd. That’s actually pretty awesome.. but its still retarded.
When some douchebag is giving you shit for not liking soccer during the world cup, and explains how its “the worlds game” tell him to suck your ass… The World cup includes 32 countries of which is highly disproportionate to Europe. Most third world countries like soccer because it’s the cheapest sport playable, and by cheap I mean really fucking cheap. Some homeless kids that eat animal feces, and live in a tree can still roll up a ball of mud and kick it around in a soccer like fashion. Yeah, a soccer game is a wondrous event in your nation’s history. Granted these nations still have to master indoor plumbing, and electricity. I don’t give a shit what Europeans like and Soccer is not objective. There is no play clock. The game doesn’t end after the clock has run down. This adds bias, subjectivism and appeals to lower intellects, and makes last second victories non-existant. Contrast such clumsy timekeeping and the lack of any discernable strategy to the precision of the two-minute drill in football. The 2 minute drill has to be one of the most exciting times in sport.
So what arguments you got soccer fans?
How about.. “Its not popular in the US because it wasn’t invented in the U.S.”
To this I say, soccer originated from the North American game called pasuckuakohowog several hundred years before the British played anything close to it. I also say basketball, and football were created by Canadians, yet they are the two most popular sports in America.
Or how about “Its not popular in the US because the US sucks at soccer”
Now I say, The US soccer team won the World Cup in 1991 and 1999… find another reason chief.
Now lets take a closer look at soccer fans themselves. These people have murdered referees for bad calls, set themselves on fire, or fought to the death in defense of a team that doesn’t even know they exist. I think that’s a pretty solid indicator of the mental stability of soccer fans. These dumbasses go to games where cheering and screaming doesn’t even have a point. Football fans can successfully cause opposing teams’ offenses to call timeouts, make them use up the play clock, screw up audibles or cause procedure penalties. Hell even baseball cheering serves a purpose, just ask Bill Buckner. Then in soccer, they sing a song in unison that sounds the same in Africa, as it does in England regardless of point in the game or opponents state in the game.
In the end I just want the stupid ass world cup to be over and football season to start so I can drink a beer and ENJOY what im watching. I don’t need a soccer game to serve as a purpose to drink, Ill just drink to the 10 minute anniversary since my dog took a shit. Its good enough for me.
