10 things you don’t hear about anymore.
Here is my complete list of shit I miss hearing about, from childhood events, to news stories that rocked the headlines, this is the shit I miss, and therefore I KNOW you missed, share some of your own things in the comment section, I would love to hear them.
#10 – Secret Societies
I remember a time when everything was secret. Apparently their was a time in history when a secret club like the “skulls and bones” was the shit, or the Free Masons ran the free world. Now there is nothing! Maybe it’s because they are “secret” and thus people don’t talk about them, but I say bull shit to that, in the late 80′s early 90′s everything and everyone had some kind of secret they were hiding albeit a club, or the dead body of some pledge who couldn’t cut it in the ookie cookie contest, buried in the basement of some Frat house.
#9 – Celebrity sex tapes
Yeah you heard me, Pam Anderson started it all back in the 90′s and it blew up all over, literally, all over her face (ha-ha get it). Anyways, what happened to that shit! You had famous people all over the place having their tapes released, much to the dismay (bullshit) of the celebrity. I mean you had a who’s who of dick sucking, the last tape I saw was probably that horrible Kim Kardashian sex tape, which let me say now… big let down, talk about girl with to much baggage, and WAY to many hang-ups. Good lord. Anyways, I want more sex tapes out their, I don’t’ care if it’s a trashy girl like Lohan licking herself some Vag, or a classy girl like Courtney Love taking it in the pooper, I need more, FEED DADDY!
#8 – Stuntmen
Look back in the 70′s and 80′s there was an actual profession called a stuntman. No, I’m not talking about the guy on the movie lot being shot at with fake bullets. I’m talking about Guys that try to jump over Snake River Canyon on a rocket powered motorcycle. Yeah that’s right, Evil fucking Knievel. But not just him only, there was a lot of famous guys jumping over retarded things, Evil was just the best and most well known. Now a days we have Johnny Knoxville, and his cohorts over at jackass, or whatever they are calling their show now, because I really want to see another person do a kick flip on a skateboard then get hit in the nuts with some sort of device. Honestly that’s one of the things wrong with the American Culture these days, Jackass style TV shows flooding the airwaves, I don’t blame the guys, it’s the TV studios that do the damage, thinking us “kids” love to see people do dumb shit, then cut to someone skateboarding(YIPPIE!!)
#7 – Blind Musicians
These guys were the shit! Where are all the blind people now days? I feel like they have probably been rounded up and placed into some kind of internment camp. With the exception of the blind kid that was on American Idol, who I’m starting to have my doubts about really being blind. Their was no better blue’s singers, than old ass blind black guys, example 1 Ray Charles, he was the man, fuck Jamie Fox and his stupid face, he couldn’t do Sir Charles justice on his best day, and that movie blew dick. Anyways, so it seems that just about all blind people can sing, so I say at birth we start blinding people in a Slumdog Millionaire esc way, hot spoon to the eye balls should do the trick. Now where are those Taking Back Sunday guys?
#6 - The Circus
I haven’t been to, let alone heard about a circus in over 15 years. I remember when I was a kid there was nothing better than going to watch giant elephants sit on some clowns face. I still chuckle today think about a poodle hopping through a hoola hoop. Now all we hear about is stupid PETA bitching and moaning about how we are mistreating these animals. Bull shit, shut your mouth PETA, if these animals were not in the circus they would be some Asian guys dinner. Those silly Asians eat EVERYTHING.
#5 -Parents beating their kids
What the fuck happened to this? I remember clicking on the news every night and thinking “Yeah, another little fucker got his ass whipped for mouthing off”. Now I turn on the news and hear about the economy again, or that Peterson idiot killing his 4th wife. I need some good old fashion child beat downs, I would even be happy with child on child fights, I enjoy watching those school bus fights that would pop up every once in a while on Inside Edition. You’d always get those grainy videos from the crappy camera right above the driver, and then see some 120 lb girl punching a little 6 year old boy… greatest shit ever.
#4 – 50 is the new 20
I miss hearing about how 50 is the new 20. 50 is not the new 20, I’m sorry, 50 is still 50, just cause you feel younger doesn’t mean you LOOK younger you old fools. I’ve got no beef with old people; however I do want to throw down fist-a-cuffs whenever I see some 55 year old guy cruising around in a red convertible trolling for 20 year olds. Or the obligatory 65 year old woman at the club with the low cut shirt, fat tits and sun spotted nasty ass chest. Gives me the willies just thinking about it.
#3 – Old Drivers
An old person’s horrible driving. I can recall a time when 80 year old person would jump in their car, not be able to see, and drive right on through a crowd of 60 people. The best part was always when the old person would get out of the car and not know what the hell is going on. I always imagined them getting angry at the people in the “street” yelling angrily at anyone who was there, for messing up the paint job on his 1960 Buick park avenue. Either the DMV is really cracking down on old folks driving or old people are becoming better drivers. Either way the streets are safer, so I suppose we can all be happy, but how long will this peace last?
#2 – Shady Dentists
Dentists playing grab-ass with there patients while they are under antheistic. Let me tell you something, I miss the days when I had the suspense of going to the dentist and not knowing if my ding dong was going to be played with. I say, if I don’t’ know about it; fuck it, who cares right? The dentist get’s his/her jollies, I get my teeth fixed, and I’m asleep. I say bring on the wang touching, I know I can’t be the only person out there who feels this way.
#1 -Ghetto white guys
My white brothers, where have you gone? What happened to this stage of the white man evolution? I recall in high school you had the typical white boy who hung out with the Mexican or black guys, slicked his hair back, and dressed in FUBU. Where have you all gone, I miss you with all my heart. Your dedication to the lifestyle impressed me; anyone who could look so god damn stupid, yet try to be so cool always made me curious. I think now that white kids have the whole “emo” thing, they have stopped acting ghetto, and I for one miss it, bring on the days of white guys saying “yea dog” and “fo sho” in a non mockery way. I will always hold a special place in my heart for them, till the day I dizz-eye. Peace mother fuckers.
