No one is too cool for a triple high five

The Best Drunk Food

As a man who enjoys the game of drink, I have had many nights stumbling through the kitchen in a daze drooling for something edible and delicious.  From raw pasta sticks to frozen pizza, Ive chewed on just about everything because I was so drunk I didnt know what to do. Sometimes I still had my wits about me enough to eat something in order to dim down the hangover coming the next morning.

This re-occurring dilemma has gotten me to compile some of the absolute best edible entrees in the categories of deliciousness, speed, hangover curability, AND price.  Because any self respecting alcoholic spends 99% of the bankroll on the booze, so being frugal in drunk food purchases is essential.

It has taken many years to weed out the shitty foods, or the foods that just trick you or are too pricey.  So Ill make mention of those to help you stay away.

So heres my list of the BEST drunk foods with variable measurements from 1-10:

DiGiornio Garlic Bread pizza

If you havent tried this frozen pizza, your missing out.  This pizza is fucking delicious, even outside of drunk munchies. But with the greasiness, large size, and large amount of bread, it all helps to almost completely wipe out any ensuing hangover.  The price is low for an entire pizza at 5-8 bucks. The only real downside here is the speed. If your too slaughtered you could pass out waiting 28 minutes for it to cook, with the oven on 425 degrees.  House burning down = ALL BAD.
Deliciousness: 9
Speed: 1
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 7

Del taco macho combo burrito

For the folks out there still going to Taco Bell… your retarded.  Del Taco owns your face and has a lot more food than just this macho burrito, but for drunk munchies the macho burrito is the best.  Big, loaded with food, and fuckin delicious.  Combo is about $8, and its fast food so definitely good speed.
Deliciousness: 8
Speed: 9
Hangover curability: 6
Price: 6

Blended fruit smoothie

This is a little different than some greasy ass pile of food, obviously in taste but it wont totally fill you up.  Dont think your going to be hitting jamba juice or some nice spot at 3 in the morning, im talking about the donut shop smoothy so there will be a shitload of sugar and hopefully at least 5% fruit juice.
Deliciousness: 6
Speed: 5
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 8

Tri tip sandwich

This piece of heaven might take a little long but when you take that first bite of medium rare, juicy, season covered tri tip… its all worth it.  A real man will cover that bad boy in some grilled onions and bellpeppers, possibly some sautee’d mushrooms and BAM! Cream your pants from the delcious onslaught of deliciousness.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 2
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 6

Carne’ Asada Fries

Not much compares to the awesome power of a hole in the wall mexican food spot with carne asada fries.  For those unaccustomed to the carne fries.. this is how it works.  You fry up some steaming fresh french fries, then immediatly cover them with refried beans, carne asada, frsh salsa, guacamole, sour cream, and all the cheese you want.  Its enough to bring a man to sexual satisfaction.

Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 8
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 8

Monster Polish Dog

Now you have to understand… any ol’ polish dog wont do it.  You need to get everything just right.  You need fresh soft bread of the best kind, steamed or toasted.  Then once youve got some high quality dogs, you can either boil em’ or BBQ em’.  Then the toppings can range from just a smidge of ketchup to a fully loaded beast with ketchup, mustard, onions, tomatoes, sauerkraut, bell peppers, relish, and hell some people might throw chili and cheese on top of that.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 6
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 8

Biggest mistakes in drunk food

Tommy burger with chili fries

I made this mistake twice in my life… but never again.  Sure when your starving a chili burger with chili fries would fill you up, but when your body has already been dragged through the gauntlet of booze and heavy drinking, this would be the last thing it needs.  Imagine beer shits on steroids my friend.  Pooping so hard you cry yourself to sleep on the toilet and wake up 2 hours later with your legs numb.  NOT GOOD.

Sushi

No matter where you go, this is a bad decision… even worse for patrons of 7-11.  Ive seen many men fall from the sushi.  If you are plastered do yourself a favor and steer clear of the sushi, it will do nothing but destroy you and probably make you barf.  Just say no to the “Rainbow Roll”.

A tall glass of milk

When your moments from passing out and theres no time to spare and you reach in the fridge for one last non-alcoholic drink.. be sure its not that gallon of milk.  Nothing will make you spew quicker than a few chugs of milk when your slaughtered.  Ive seen folks do it, survive long enough to pass out and then wake up in the middle of the night to regurgitate everything they’ve eaten for 2 days.  Not pretty.