NBA Finals: The Last Gamble of the Summer.
By Steve Neville
As the NBA finals mark the beginning of the end of your gambling, I mean, sports watching season, and most of you are faced with the sad reality that Major League Baseball will reign supreme the next few months, you will start to realize a couple frightening things. Most notably, you will go to the kitchen for a snack and suddenly realize you are still married and/or single, and they/you have gotten older and uglier over the past six months due to hardcore neglect. No need to worry, alcohol will numb the initial shock and get you through baseball season, and college basketball season starts right back up in November. Then it’s back to the bars to explain to your enablers/friends why two teams you know nothing about will definitely score over 185 points, because of the airtight logic that “they are due.” But, until the end of June you can still watch one more exciting matchup gamblers, I mean, sports fans: The NBA finals. The last chance to prove to your spouse that you are an amazing sports handicapper, and taking out a second mortgage on your trailer will pay off in spades. So as you venture forth with the remains of your checkbook and dignity, here are some odds and analysis to help you through the finals.
Prediction: Someone will have a heart attack. Odds: 4/1
Kevin Garnett is pushing 50, Ray Allen 60, and Jack Nicholson is shitting his pants at 80 in the front row. My money is on Garnett to croak, considering he explodes and cries at every foul he never has committed during a game. But I think a couple Allen threes late in the fourth, and Jack will hit the wooden court, with a thud and a ‘cha-ching!’. And if none of those four tickers taper, then take solace in the fact that the Zen master, Phil Jackson, has yet to master his cholesterol. Yes, his arteries are about as tight as his man-to-man defensive schemes, and the blood in his veins appear to be moving as quickly as rush-hour traffic on the LA freeway. Some say he teaches center Andrew Bynum to clog the lane by showing him film of his double cheeseburger clogging his arteries. Jackson’s championships are only matched by his bypasses, so do not count out his heart either. I know you may feel that giving you chumps 4/1 on this seems like a raw deal given we are talking about athletes, but like Kevin Garnett once said: “Anyyyything is possibllllleeee!!!”
Prediction: Lebron James will be mentioned more often than any player on the court. Odds: even money
This is like stating that one team will win, it is an inevitability as certain as the Lakers beating the Boston Geriatrics in the championship. It is like Ricky Martin coming out of the closet, or Ryan Seacrest staying in his, it is just something you know and accept. And it is a complete shame, because Kobe is so much better than James in the postseason, he plays harder, faster, and more intelligent than James when it actually counts. Instead of dropping 60 points on the Nets during a meaningless game in the season to boost his average, Kobe drops 40 on the Jazz in a postseason game that actually counts for something. And Kobe will not be shutdown by old-man Allen on the Celtics, like Queen James did. Kobe just seems to want the rings more, for one, maybe he knows he has to give one to his wife every time he bangs another white girl in Colorado. But the media does not care about Kobe ballin’, they think everyone would rather listen to them ponder which team James will migrate to, and later, destroy. And the fact is while 3 million people in the United States debate on which team will overpay for the human black hole, 300 million people in China are buying Kobe’s apparel. TV analysts sell hype, but championships sell merchandise, and though Barkley and company will spend the majority of the NBA championship telling you that James moving to a bigger market will change the game, Kobe will quietly be monopolizing a market six times bigger than the United States one.
Prediction: Phil Jackson will actually have to coach. Odds: 500/1
You can take this bet, but then may I also interest you in some rising BP stock? Everyone knows the simple fact is that Jackson is the luckiest man to ever step foot on the hardwood, time after time adopting teams with two of the top five players in the league starting for him. Phil Jackson knows, Magic Johnson knows, Kobe Bryant knows, Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen know, that the ‘Zen master’ is able to keep his composure during games because he does not have to actually coach. In fact, the smartest thing he does is stay out of the way of the multiple all-stars team owners buy for him when he arrives. And with the Celtics coming into town, and not the more talented Cleveland Cavaliers or Orlando Magic, I would not expect the clipboard to have anything on it except orders for mid-game food runs. Phil’s buying the burgers, while the Lakers ownership is buying him another championship. Congratulations, Phil, you have successfully proved that sometimes fat, drunk, and stupid IS the way to go through life.
Final prediction: Every single game will suck. Odds: 2/1
Boston and Los Angeles are two huge markets, but outside of these two cities you would have to venture long and hard to find any average fan who gave a shit about these two teams. Sure, they have a “rivalry,” but that was many years ago, with the same rosters! This series is the equivalent of going to a boxing match you think is Tyson vs. Holyfield circa 1993, and getting Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau instead. And while the ratings, because of the markets, will be astronomical do not be surprised when you ask your buddy at the water cooler if he watched the game, if he responds: “Who the fuck cares about the Flyers and the Blackhawks?” Seriously, these two teams are good, but the end result of that is basketball is fucking boring. No one wants to see “teamwork,” or “defense,” or any of those other monikers the sportscasters say “win championships.” I guess the sportscasters are finally right in their analysis of what it takes to be a winner, but the real loser is the average viewer who has to suffer through these games or be forced to watch Dancing With The Stars with your newfound spouse.
So my degenerate friends, as we stand at the end of another losing, but promising (as they all are, you did predict that Magic vs. Boston game 4 total, you sly dog) gambling season, I offer these tips: Take the under, and take the Lakers. Do not actually watch the games, the playoffs are going to suck for everyone, watching this series of 4/5 unevenly matched blowouts at the end of your gambling season would be like having your last meal catered by a 7-11. You are better off just turning the TV off and trying to sleep with your wife, sober, again. Might as well get it over with and get used to it, you have 6 months until College Basketball starts back up, stud.
