The Avengers film is right around the corner and Marvel/Disney is really pushing out origin movies for the main team; we’ve already had Iron Man and The Hulk (though Edward Norton will not return for The Avengers I’m sure his movie will serve as the story for the new guy) and through those two franchises seeds have been planted for the other members of their universe including, but not limited to, Nick Fury. Captain America’s story will be told later this year and Spiderman (whether he will be in the Avengers or not is yet to be seen) will follow. Today, however, belongs to Thor; and boy did he steal the show!

Before I continue I just want to point out that Thor is probably the only hero in all the realms I know the least about, so this is a rare opportunity for a comic book nerd like myself to see something through the eyes of your average movie goer. Thor did a fantastic job of immersing the audience with the necessary knowledge to watch this story and not be confused, though you get the sense that there is a lot more to the story that has yet to be told.

All of the locations used in the film were very well done and incredibly believable, Thor’s homeland of “Ass-Guard” (spelled phonetically for lols) was beautiful and, despite being all CGI, looked breath taking and real; I am stunned by how far CGI has come in the past 10 years! The planet Hoth felt very hostile and was an amazing contrast to the warm and inviting Ass Guard, the film makers did an incredible job of showing us that not everything is Asses and Guards and New Mexico. In the end I would love to have big painting Odin, played by, Anthony Hopkins standing proud over his kingdom.

The casting was all hit and no miss with Odin and Thor standing out. Anthony Hopkins was born to play a god-like figure, take that Morgan Freeman, and Chris Hemsworth as Thor was perfect! I had voiced initial concern for the use of Hemsworth, as I felt his genuine personality would have better suited Captain America, but I am certain now that no one else could play the brash and cocky son of Odin. Of course there is no forgetting my bride-to-be Natalie Portman who plays Thor’s love interest (if you couldn’t have guessed that then you’re dumb), she does a good job balancing his ego and unusual manner of speech.

My biggest concern with this story was that with all the other Avengers, who are grounded in forms of reality, Thor would be impossible to believe and sympathize with, and on the flipside if you try to make Thor more believable then you lose what makes him awesome! Well I got the sense that the director was more in the way of pleasing the nerds and sticking true to source material but fortunately it’s so different from what we expect that it was amazing! Thor uses his hammer as the source of his power and he spins it really fast and uses it to fly and shoots lightning from it! Now come on, that little hammer does all that? Hell yes it does and it looks like fun! If you look at picture of Thor it seems like his cape is just over exaggeratedly draped over his shoulders and it’s like that in the film which adds to his aura of ego!

This film isn’t all rainbows and butterflies; well actually it is a lot of rainbows… I did experience several moments that pulled my imagination from the movie and made me giggle or sigh. Most notably all the major character changes that take place during the course of ONE DAY! I’m to believe Thor learns his lesson (again don’t kid yourself because you know every hero does) in 24 hours? I get that two hours isn’t enough to really convey the entire story but TONY STARK WAS IN A CAVE FOR MONTHS…..WITH A BOX OF SCRAPES!!! Thor also kind of had a Jesus moment which made me think of Superman Returns which made me face palm. I was mildly disappointed with one or two of the fight scenes but ONLY because I am not a fan of the close up shaking camera, I feel that some of the choreography is lost. I also got the sense that SHIELD really has no clue of anything and they just run around playing James Bond with their toys. All that being said, however, Thor is an instant classic which I will see again and buy on Blu-ray when it’s released! If you are a fan of summer blockbusters then go see Thor. If you are a huge comic book fan then go see Thor!! It’s got something for everyone. Oh, and be sure to STAY AFTER THE CREDITS because it really sets the scene for The Avengers!!!

Just like the TV show, and the 2 films previous to this movie… this movie is rude, crude and completely jackass-tastic.  If you enjoy the low-brow toilet humor sprinkled with nut shots, then this film is your cup of tea.

From the opening seconds to the end of the credits I was laughing my ass off.  There was also a beautiful cameo to intro the movie with Beavis and Butthead, which brought back a lot of memories.  There were also cameos from Sean William Scott, Rivers Cuomo, and others..  The movie gloriously showcases the massive misfortune of others, to laughter that could bring you to tears.  Sometimes just figuring out what is about to happen is enough to make you wince… Like staring down a hallway gauntlet of dangling stun guns and cattle prods..

The 3D aspect of the film is exploited to the max, from explosions to a giant dildo being shot right at you.  This might be some of the best 3D ive seen since Avatar, and I mean that seriously, because it wasn’t some shitty ‘after-the-fact’ conversion.  Not everything was 3D like the hidden camera pranks etc, but when it was utilized, they made the best of it.  Nothing is quite as ridiculous as watching a makeshift gun/launcher send a dildo right into your face.  On top of the 3D is the use of the Phantom camera which shoots at 1,000 frames per second… so watching someone get punched in the face unexpectedly is captured in High definition slow motion showcasing a whole new level of funny.

This movie probably wont win any new fans, but make the old ones laugh until they hurt, or come to the precipice of vomiting.  I recommend this to everyone to go and see just how stupid/insane human beings can be, and quite possibly laugh until you shit your pants.

Does a movie claiming to be based on a true story really garner more attention? I think it’s safe to say it does, even when it, in fact, wasn’t based in truth at all. Just ask the Coen brothers. In 1996, they released a little movie called Fargo. The original poster for Fargo clearly showed the film as being “Based on a true story”. Hell, even the opening of the movie states “This is a true story”. So why didn’t audiences care once they discovered they’d been duped? Because Fargo is a goddamn good film, and to the brothers’ credit, they admitted to the lie fairly soon after the film released, citing their fib as a “stylistic device”. Also, to be fair, human beings DO live in Fargo, North Dakota, so technically it is based on a true story.

Which brings us to 2010, where Catfish, a documentary about (to be quite vague with the synopsis) a young man finding love over Facebook, is catching fire all across America. The trailer for the film touts “Not based on a true story, just true”, indicating everything that we see is 100% authentic and completely unscripted. While I do believe the film is entirely unscripted, I’m not sure I buy how “authentic” it actually is. I’m not the first person to accuse the film of being less than true, and as the film opens to wider audiences around the country, I very much doubt I’ll be the last. While the naysayers aren’t buying into the film’s authenticity, most are still proclaiming it as a good, solid movie. I, for one, do not fall under that category as I found Catfish to be an utter waste of time. The film is not at all the suspense thriller the marketing makes it out to be, nor is it anywhere near “the best Hitchcock movie Hitchcock never directed” as the Financial Times boasts.

Let’s start from the beginning: When I first saw the trailer, I couldn’t wait to see this movie. It begins by showing a photographer who starts up an internet correspondence with an eight year old girl (probably the creepiest aspect of the whole movie) who has impressively painted a picture of one of the photographers published photos. Over time, the correspondence blossoms into a friendship not only with the little girl, but with her family as well, via Facebook and phone conversations with the girl’s mother and 19 year old sister. The photographer becomes quite smitten with the 19 year old, and when a job opportunity presents itself that would allow the photographer to drop in on the young girl and her family (rudely unannounced, might I add), this man, along with the two documentarians, his brother and some other guy, hop on a plane to do just that. The trailer closes as the photographer walks up to a dark farm house and peers into the pitch black window, the words “Don’t let anyone tell you what it is” pop up, enticing me to blurt out excitedly “Okay, I won’t!” Then the trailer ends showing the film’s title imprinted into what appears to be a catfish-shaped blood stain on a black backdrop. Holy shit, I’m terrified. This movie is going to be the next Blair Witch, right?
Nope. Unless you thought Blair Witch was bullshit, then yes, it is exactly like Blair Witch.

I’d read up enough on the movie to know it was more of a drama than anything, but even then I couldn’t help but be disappointed with the outcome. All I could think walking away from this movie was “Don’t let anyone tell you what it is? No shit, then no one would want to see it.” I’m not going to reveal what the story is, but if you really want to know and don’t want to waste your money like I did (I could have physically eaten the ten dollars I’d paid to watch this and subsequently had a more fulfilling night on the toilet), then look up a recent episode of 20/20 which profiles the entire movie and its subjects. It manages to be much more compelling in a shorter amount of time.

My biggest problem is when watching these smug assholes on screen, I couldn’t help but get the feeling that they knew exactly what they were going to capture on film the whole time. That when they quickly realized early on something strange was going on with this eight year old girl and her family, they had the immediate thought to turn on some cameras and exploit some folks. Fuck them for that. And double fuck them because it worked. If I felt for a second these three hipsters were out to make a genuine documentary, I might have enjoyed this film as much as everyone else seems to be, but if they are exploiting a family to further their own filmmaking careers, whether this family deserves it or not, then…did I already say “double fuck them”? Well, then quadruple it.

By the way, when these filmmakers were questioned about the realism of Catfish at a Q&A for the film, one of them defensively responded “So…we’re the best writers in Hollywood?” They then shut the Q&A down. First of all, isn’t it a tell-tale sign someone is lying when they get overly defensive about being called a liar? And secondly, hey, dickhead, just so we’re clear, even if this was scripted, it would make you a mediocre writer at best. Not exactly a web of mysteries we’re dealing with here. It’s the simple story of some dude being lied to by someone else over the internet. Your story didn’t blow me away in an M. Night Shyamalan circa ’99 kind of a way. It was more like M. Night circa nowish.

Bottom line, if you really want to see a movie about Facebook that claims to be a true story, go see The Social Network, which if you pay attention to the marketing, doesn’t rely on the “true story” hook to get people in seats. It lets its acting, writing, directing, editing, score, and everything else that goes into making a well-crafted movie, speak for itself. And then watch Fargo. It’s goddamn good.

I went into the theater with the expectations of seeing a movie that looked pretty and not much else; in the field of looks this movie did not disappoint one single bit! However, what about the cream filling? Well in the Too Long Didn’t Read version The A-Team did not disappoint me. This review, as all my other reviews, will not contain plot spoilers but will go into the fine details of this film.

From the introduction and partial back story of the characters to the subtle discovery of the main plot The A-Team does an interesting job of pulling the audience into the story and keeping your intelligence entertained as well as your inner demolitionist. The A-Team does a spectacular job of balancing story with action and unlike some other action movies of the same genre, it did not leave you wanting more shit to blow OR making you feel like too much stuff just happened.

What really worked for me was the interlacing of a specific description of events and then said events, it was very fun to watch and I wasn’t burdened with remembering too much information; Unlike Sherlock Holmes, the cool editing and narrating of key sequences wasn’t lost after 20 minutes. This movie does throw a lot of story your way but doesn’t work it in a manner that makes you have to remember everything and any new developments are worked out pretty quickly.

The characters were engaging, comedic, and well timed with just the right amount of weapons training and balls to the walls crazy attitudes! Having watched the old show I can comfortably say that everyone followed their predecessors to a Mr. T… See what I did there? All the sweeter was that these fine gentlemen gave the already established character something new and unique to the fellow actor. Unlike the television show everyone had equal screen time and brought their own unique talent to the table with several extra dynamics that made the film something new. I was thoroughly impressed with District 9’s Sharlto Copley, and bear in mind he has very little acting experience in this genre. And yes, Rampage has his UFC moment, fortunately brief though.

The style of action is fairly unique in that it keeps you guessing what is going to happen next and if what just happened is possible; Mythbusters could have an orgy of episodes themed on some of the stuff that happened in this movie. This rose of a review is, however, not without its thorns. I felt that the action was slightly wasted on me because of jerky camera movements and too up close to the action; I could never get into Bourne for that specific reason. Also when Rampage got serious he was somewhat difficult to understand because he just mumbles…A LOT. Surprise surprise Jessica Biel did not do a bad job with her roll, probably due to the fact that her job was small in this film, and she was not here for sex appeal.

In the end I felt my money was well spent and this is the action movie of the summer. If you go in expecting nothing more than a blockbuster then you will be fairly surprised. If you go in expecting a good story on top of the kick ass action then you’ll get what you paid for. Go see it and WAIT AFTER THE CREDITS FOR A TREAT

- J

Well last night was the night…  Last night, or this morning depending on how much of an asshole you are, was the release of the one and only movie I was looking forward to seeing this year. Last night was the release of Iron Man 2! I gotta be honest, though, and say that I was nervous and skeptical about seeing it and with good cause. Movie sequels made by people who are under the thumb of Hollywood usually tend to make movies that just focus on bringing in cash and not actually make a movie with substance; Spiderman 3 anyone? However, some sequels are pretty good and build upon what the first movie established; Dark Knight? So now you know how I felt going into this movie. However, coming out of this movie I was not confused or deep in thought as to how I felt about Iron Man 2. When I walked out after the movie I flipped off the screen and left with my head held low. Iron Man 2 left me thoroughly disappointed.

This next paragraph will sum up my feelings without spoilers but the rest will be business as usual.

Thinking back to it now what really stuck out as annoying was that everyone bickered nonstop like they were all Tony Stark and how everything was over the top with commercializing. Commercializing is not the best term for it but at the moment I can’t think of anything better. The editing of some scenes was like I was actually watching tv and that bothers me. To top it all off everyone had their one liners. Even Fury was heard to say “I got my eye on you.” Give me a fucking break! My palms struck my face many times.

“If this were a TV show I would have changed the channel long ago.”

The acting from almost all parts was really annoying but was most bothersome from Sam Rockwell himself. I don’t find Sam to be a bad actor but even good actors can be plagued by poor writing. Sam’s character Justin Hammer is a failing inventor but is backed by politicians because he sucks their cocks and promises awesome shit. It isn’t until after one of our villains Whiplash attacks Tony with his own technology that Hammer sees his chance to be better than “Anthony” and build himself some Iron Man armor. This takes us to the worst possible dialogue when Hammer realized that Whiplash built drones instead of human armor; Hammer, confused, tries to get someone to put on a drone’s head to make the point that no man could wear this armor…that scene took 10mins. I’d rather watch a retard get placed into a round room and try to piss in a corner…

The bad acting/writing wasn’t limited to just Sam Rockwell, though. Scarlett Johansson donned the red hair and took on the part of The Black Widow… poorly. Her talking scenes were boring and left me feeling sad because she didn’t sport the Russian accent. Why? Well I guess because the villain is Russian and them Russians are evil in this here movie so we can’t have a good person be Russian too. Or… Ms. Johansson is a bad actress and can’t hold an accent. Nevertheless she was boring. When she put on the tight fitting clothes and kicked ass I was entertained but that was it. Don Cheadle did nothing to inspire his character and when he shared the scene with Scarlett we could actually see flies acting circles around them. And I’ll just conclude this with Sam Jackson was Sam Jackson, he didn’t strike me as a leader.

The action in the movie was a redeeming quality but action sequences were few and far between, to make them worse they were slowed down with pointless shit! In the beginning of the films climactic ending we see Jon Faverou help Black Widow by getting into a long and boring fist fight with one guard while Widow goes Hit Girl on about 10 people, which was awesome. Iron Man, though, was worried about innocent people getting hurt so he had all the bad drone robots chase him around the crowd for awhile. When War Machine finally enters the battle and absolutely kicks ass!!! But not to be outdone Iron Man busts out some new toys and ends the action.

The one liners really bother me because it just feels like everyone is trying to be as quick witted and insultingly sarcastic as Robert Downey/Tony. Agent What’s His Face drops the doozy “If you try to escape I will taze you and watch Super Nanny while you drool into the carpet.” /facepalm. I would also like to add in the annoying category (annoying cuz I wish it wasn’t so compressed) was the use of montages! Several really interesting scenes are chopped to pieces and played in a minute instead of 10… Finally all the tech in Tony’s house was way too overboard; Why? Because it was awesome in the first movie so it had to be expanded upon wayyy more than was necessary.

I left out a lot of the movie, plots, and sequences because, despite it all, this was a summer blockbuster and I do think that most people will like it for its surface value which is action. It’s not a movie that I wouldn’t recommend to everyone like Indy 4 but I wouldn’t tell everyone to see it like I have with Kick Ass. This movie will make plenty of money and for its cost I think most will enjoy it. I was fortunate enough to see it for free but sometimes, for me, free is too expensive.

Don’t worry, no spoilers…

Kick ass is fucking awesome.  There, Ill start it with that.  Yet when I first saw the trailer a few months back I thought it was going to blow.  I know some people share my thoughts on that, because the trailer doesn’t do the movie justice at all.  For those who know me, throw a rated R on something and im automatically interested, then toss in controversy and im sold. I also learned that every large Hollywood studio refused investing in Kick-Ass.  So that means to get funded the director Matt Vaughn went outside the studios and financed it with people like Brad Pitt.  This is great news for LOTS of reasons but the main thing is that Vaughn had the freedom to go to town!  Its violent, anti-PC, vulgar, crude, and no bullshit thrown in to cater to toy companies or sponsors.  Yet with that comes controversy especially with a character who cusses like a drunk sailor and kills people brutally and without remorse, oh and shes an 11 year old girl. Chloe Grace Moretz isn’t new to acting but she just came on my radar, and easily stole the movie. So much so that she is now currently one of my favorite movie characters of ALL TIME.  I shit you not, she was that awesome, much Kudos to the kid.  Right now the movie is getting mixed reviews, and in all honesty I can see why. Its violent, has graphic language, goes over the top at times and is crude.  I personally loved everything about it.

The main character is a nerdy high school kid who gets tired of taking shit from bad guys and feels he needs to do something about it.  Yes, I know this sounds familiar but the way it is approached and unfolds is ingenius.  I wont ruin everything, but what do you think would happen if a scrawny kid came up to some bad ass guys stealing a car and threatened them? It goes above what you could think and I love the movie for not pulling any punches and going to town on the action and violence.  Yet there is still some great humor to the movie, even the most disturbing and eye popping moments get broken up by hilarious one liners and comedy.

The great thing is that this movie takes place in OUR universe, not in the DC or Marvel universe.  So there are references to Batman, and Spiderman as inspirations and ideas.  This movie takes the comic book genre and fucks its face off.  The regular ol cliché’s that have been beaten to death this past decade are used and satired but also given a brutal dose of reality.  The hero isn’t just a nerd… hes a nobody, a nieve and dumb kid thrown into a cold world.

The writing is great with smooth and quick witted dialogue that will crack you up.  The director does a great job with subtle details and information to keep you in the story, and Kick-Ass actually has four credited composers. So the music is great and works seamlessly in bringing you into the story, as well as every single set design that looks like its been brought right out of a comic book.  The acting is also top notch from everyone except McLovin who really just seemed like a gimmicky nerd attachment.  Yet everyone else does an awesome job and Chloe Grace Moretz as HitGirl deserves a fucking Oscar. Even Nicolas Cage who hasn’t had a decent outing in years does a good job and even mimics the Adam West voice as Batman.

So even with all these strengths and me licking its taint with love there are still a few cliché’s that just couldn’t get avoided.  The final act gets pretty predictable and slowly loses its realism, but the movie is entertaining as hell. The director did an awesome job putting this together and I plan to see any movie Matt Vaughn makes from here on out.

For anyone looking to see a ridiculously bad ass movie who loves controversy and going as far from PC as possible, then go check out Kick-Ass.

But before I get into my review of the work, I want to lay out there that as a kid I thought T2 was by far the best movie ever.  All the taglines, the award winning and groundbreaking special effects and coolness it was enough to keep a kid happy for months, and it did.  I watched T2 every single day for 2 months during a summer out of school. (im serious) OCD much?  So I knew it back and forward, and when I heard about this movie I nearly lost consciousness.  Thank god terminator 3 wasn’t the end…

So with my feelings out there, Ill go ahead and hop in. The big premise of the movie is John Connor trying to figure out if Marcus Wright is good or bad and if he can trust him.  Obviously by the trailers you see Marcus is somewhat robotic, and who knows if you can trust him.  Pretty cool idea, because it sets up for some twists and turns and Sam Worthington does a great job with the character. Terminator Salvation is set in 2018 with the post nuclear war already occurring and we are thrown right into the mix starting off with Sam Worthingtons character Marcus Wright.  Much to my surprise, and probably yours, Sam Worhtington outdoes Christian Bale as John Connor.  The character, the acting, everything is better about him in this movie.  Bale is still stuck in raspy voiced batman mode and just hasn’t quite escaped it yet, and I didn’t really make a damn bit of connection with him in the movie.

It sucked that this happened, I was supposed to be rooting for John Connor and be on the edge of my seat but I just wasn’t, and it was a huge letdown. This doesn’t destroy the movie though, its still enjoyable to watch. Tons of action and really top notch special effects.  You also have Anton Yelchin playing Kyle Reese (the guy sent back to father john connor) who also does a pretty good job in his role but the other characters just really didn’t develop for me enough.  Connors wife is pregnant but never even mentioned and she has about one line… theres a mute kid who is Kyles sidekick for some retarded reason… an old lady that shows compassion when her other “rebellions” don’t, then shes abducted and never talks again.  Maybe they weren’t developed because its setting up for 2 more sequels, possibly bad writing, because its pg-13, its less than 2 hours long, who knows?  But it was lacking.

As youll notice if you see it, the whole movie has the colors desaturated and there are a lot of grays and browns and it makes it look a lot like a world after nuclear war, it’s a nice subconscious touch but at times kinda sucks when you want to bank on the big screen images.  Yet the cinematography is top notch, its worth seeing in the theatre.

For the die hard terminator people, there are a few little hidden easter eggs you get to catch and giggle nerdily to yourself about, and a couple blatant satisfiers on taglines in the earlier movies “Come with me if you wanna live”, and “Ill be back”.  Little corny but what the hell, it doesn’t destroy the movie for me.

All in all this sequel-prequel (haha, confused??) was enjoyable and a good summer movie but didn’t have me creaming my pants or anything special.  There was an Arnold cameo that was pretty awesome, bad ass explosions and special effects and an interesting storyline albeit a smidge predictable.  Id say you should still see it in theatres and enjoy yourself but don’t set the bar super high.

Where do I start? Well how about with thoughts going into the movie… The majority will either be die hard comic book nerds ready for the origins of one of the most beloved comic book characters, or as some one who loves the die hard, blockbuster, CGI filled, summer movies or even a minority… like a chick being dragged with her boyfriend.  No matter how you go in, you are going to leave disappointed.

For the die hard comic book fellas, you’d love to see all the wars he fought in since the late 1800′s and how he came to be the badass/charge into anything/animal he is.  Unfortunately they encompass ALL of this within 2 minutes as the beginning credits roll.  I wanted to spit in my own popcorn in disgust.  I understand its gotta be cut down to allow as many play through’s during the day for movie theatre income, but god dammit this was supposed to be an awesome movie and it starts with a quick metal pipe up the ass for both the comic book fan and action movie buff.  You make enough god damn money in 10 dollar tickets and 15 dollar popcorn meal deals.  You BEG people to pirate these fucking movies.

The movie sacrifices a good story, involving plot, and comic book loyalty… in order to bring in as many secondary characters and cameos possible.  Nobody gives a SHIT about Cyclops! Im sorry, he was the leader of the X-men blah blah blah… the only good thing he contributed was witty banter with wolverine, whom he never even comes in contact with in the film.  Gambit is cool, Blob and Deadpool are cool too especially in Wolverine mythology, but this wolverine movie tries so damn hard and busts out with the most cliché’ scene in film history… when a character screams into the sky “NOOOOOOO!” after some horrible realization or event.  I laughed openly while sitting in the theatre, not when they did it the first time, not even the second time… but the third time I wanted to throw something at the screen.

Wolverine tries to remain action packed yet every fight scene is so lame and unoriginal.  Everyone wanted the bad ass fight between Sabretooth and Wolverine but you don’t even get a hand jobs worth of relief.  You get two short exchanges I could have choreographed better with me and a fucking blow up doll.  Deadpool and Gambit, hardly get any screen time and don’t get developed at all.  It may be a Wolverine movie, but theres a lot that contributed to his back story.  Say what you want about Ryan Reynolds, but that guy was born to play deadpool and there could have been a lot more involvement from him.

If I sound angry and one sided, your probably right.  I wanted a lot more from this movie, but I will say one good thing for the movie, the acting was great.  Even when given shitty dialogue and a horrible story Hugh Jackman and Liev Shrieber are great actors and did the best they could, my hats off to them.

X men origins: Wolverine seems like a rushed and slammed together production that just makes you frown with the lost chance at an awesome movie.  Lots of people didn’t expect much and the buzz was all about how it would be crappy but I didn’t. I held on to a hope that the dark knight and iron man were turning around the overly smashed together style of Spider Man 3, but I was wrong.

Very disappointing.

So today of dear fans of mine, I’m going to be dropping a review of Appaloosa on you. Enjoy yourself fagots (yeah, I’m STILL using the word so suck one)

Appaloosa stars 2 heavy hitters on the screen in Vigo Mortenson, who we all know as Aragon from Lord of the Rings, Ed Harris, who you know from just about every bad ass movie from the past 5 years… (Ignoring National Treasure 2), & Jeremy Irons, a classically trained bad ass, and poor mans Daniel Plainview from “There Will be Blood”, Appaloosa is a complicated western film, its part buddy flick, part romance, and a little bit of an ironic comedy. Now I know what you’re saying, “Kevin how can a western have romance in it, and is good?” Well little Jimmy, because the “love” interest in the movie is a WHORE, but more on that later.

So for me as a western junky, I was fucking on board from the opening credits, the film opens up with the marshal of this small town getting gunned down trying to arrest some gang members from Randall Bragg’s (played by Irons) gang, for rape and murder. Now let me start by saying this, any movie that starts with the lines “We are here for your 2 men Bragg, they raped and murdered a woman” then those 2 guys get shot, you’re about to be taken on a magical journey to amazing town, (toot toot) next stop, me… So anyways, the marshal and his 2 men are shot. The townspeople are now scared shitless because there is this punk ass Bragg and his gang of merry fucking men stealing from them, and raping their women. Well there’s only one thing to do, Hire 2 fucking gunslingers to handle this shit. Enter Virgil Cole (Mortenson) & Everett Hitch (Harris).

These two soft hearted guys are known throughout the west as peacemakers, which basically means towns with problems, hire these 2 bad ass to come in, become marshal’s and clean shit up, then ride out in the sunset. Virgil and Everett have been doing this job for a long time, and they are good at it. We learn that they first met a few years back when Everett, who’s known as one of the best gunslingers, was in some trouble with a couple punks, and Virgil backed him up with his 8 gauge shotgun, yes that’s right… 8 gauge.. So that’s how our heroes meet. Well, they come riding into town and meet with town officials to discuss the terms of them cleaning shit up. As with any hired guns they have some “special” requests, basically they want to be Mayor/marshal all in one, which means they can make laws up on the spot to suit THEIR needs, instead of working around the law, they make the fucking law.

Well with their new powers of Fuck-dic-ulous-ness, they decide to make their presence known to the gang, apparently there is 2 gang members pissing over everything in the bar, thus justice must be rendered. Cole and Hitch head into the place with the best intentions of course, they try to convince the 2 men to come quietly to jail, the men do not want to go, thus they get opened up with the 8 gauge, problem solved. Well word gets around to Bragg that these 2 law men are fucking with his shit, and as every good bad guy knows, that shit can’t happen, so he decides to confront Cole and Hitch, and what happens next is probably one of the few AMAZING scenes in cinema, the give and take between Harris and Irons is amazing, they both state their cases, and both know that at some point their different points of view are going to end badly, very badly, all the while Cole sits in the corner with his 8 gauge pointed at the gang, not saying anything..

Enter the love interest, Rene Zellweger, yeah I know, I practically shot my penis off when I saw her come on screen. Her big stupid pudgy, pig face is the worst part of this movie, but her character is interesting to say the least. Right away Everett takes a liking to Allison French (Fatty’s character), but us as the audience already know there is something up with this cow. So marshal duty ensues, with the 2 lawmen dispensing justice all over town. All seems to be going alright in the town, but little to no progress on arresting Bragg, until one of his ranch hands finds Cole & Hitch and tells them he will testify against Bragg for the murder of the Marshal. Of course the 2 bad asses jump at the chance to finish up what they started, so in the early hours of the morning the 2 sneak into Bragg’s camp, kidnap the mother fucker while he’s taking a shit, and ride him back to town.

Bragg stands trial and gets sentenced to a good ole fashion hangin. My favorite kind of killing. All seems to be settling in to place, Everett however is going soft, he seems to be falling for the hog that looks like a woman, however we soon find out that she in fact doesn’t care about our hero, but more about his status, she only likes the top dog in town. She pulls the move on Virgil Cole thinking he’s going to fawn over her fat face, but he shuts her down and says something to the likes of “Look bitch, me and Everett are friends, and you’re a stupid whore face, get your herpes infested lips off me”.

So Virgil and Everett pack up Bragg onto a train and head him off to the big town over to get his neck tied. On the way however, 2 other hired guns (come to find out are super badasses as well) stop the train. Apparently Bragg’s gang hired these 2 brothers to rescue him. And rescue they do, they actually hold little miss fat face hostage, thus Everett has no choice but to drop Bragg off like a puss. So they throw his punk ass out of the train and follow on foot to rescue his woman. As Cole and Hitch sneak up on the 2 hired guns they see Hitch’s woman buck naked swimming and “playing”. Needless to say this puts a damper on the whole thing so now knowing that his woman really does only want the top dog, and Hitch is NOT that anymore.

So Cole and Hitch wait and plot, lucky for them Indians attack and it creates a good enough diversion for them to move in a steal the rival gunslingers shit. After this happens, our heroes have the upper hand once again. However there is still Indians out their, and we all know those damn Red skins can’t be trusted, So Cole and Hitch decide that the best way to get outta the middle of the desert alive is to team up and protect each other from the Indians. So our boys plus the 2 hired gun brothers, Bragg and Fatty McFatAss all start making their way back to town. They meander into a town and drop Bragg off at the local sheriff’s office, but something is fishy. Cole and Hitch then discuss how they are going to decide who gets Bragg, because Cole and Hitch want him to hang, and the brothers want him to escape, well this is the old west so the decide to settle it by way of dance off. So Cole drops into his pose and the 2 brothers start to flare…. Wait… sorry that’s Step up 2 “the streets”. They have a fucking gun fight.

So at this point I’m not going to ruin the ending of the film, even though there is probably about another 30 minutes after that. This movie has solid acting from all 3 stars. Even though I hate fat face she did a solid job portraying a gold digging whore. The action was a bit lapse at times, but that’s really where the chemistry between Viggo and Harris shines. Those 2 on screen are great, and Jeremy irons is so good, he kicks his own ass. MY only true complaint with this film is that it is a bit long, I enjoyed it, but I see how some people with shorter attention spans that need shit blowing up may get bored at points. Overall I would rate this movie amazing, personally I love the movie Wyatt Earp, and so I’m going to give this film

4 out of 5 Wyatt Earp mustaches

I
promise I’m not going to sell out and cater to the critics by giving
answers like the Wizard of Oz, Casablanca or Citizen Kane simply because
they were inventive and original 60 years ago. I will also promise that
I have actually seen every movie I’m putting on here and giving my stamp
of approval. I have seen movies from every decade back to the 20′s, and
seen every film on Imdb’s top 250 films, Time magazines top 100 and will
give you the best list of 30 I can give.

I should give mention to a couple that are pretty legit though. City
of god, Metropolis (1927), Raging bull, There will be blood, Gran Torino,
Full metal jacket, Back to the future, A clockwork Orange and Gladiator.

    Braveheart 1995

This movie is a personal favorite that could make a grown man cry, or
build him up with the intensity to attack someone with a sharpened
stick. The movie was made before the CGI abilities of Lord of the Rings
or the new Star Wars movies so all the thousand man battle scenes were
filmed with real people in full costume which adds a dimension no movie
can match today. FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOM!!  BUY THE MOVIE,
Just Click the Link Jaws 1975

The classic that made Spielberg a name. This movie would build suspense
for so long when the action actually happens you’ve already pee’d your
pants. Although the shark doesn’t come close to the CGI effects of
today, when you see that thing rip the boat in half you still get goose
bumps. The Untouchables 1987

In this prohibition era movie you get to ride along with Elliot Ness
from his first days fighting Al Capone to the end. De Niro plays a
gangster… again. Yet this movie is awesome. You’ve got the grizzled
veteran in Sean Connery, the straight edge Kevin Costner, the rook Andy
Garcia and a nerdy expendable guy you can kill off. It’s the perfect
group of good guys out to stop Al Capone and its got a soundtrack that
fits it like a glove. Unforgiven 1992

This is Clint Eastwood at his damn finest. It’s a morally gray western
where everyone has some good and bad and puts all of Eastwood’s old
spaghetti westerns on trial. There is no black and white, good and bad.
It’s a mix up, especially with Eastwood’s character who was a cold
blooded killer in his past, robbing trains and killing at will but was
reformed by a woman who he had 2 children with and became a good man with a conscience. Then at the beginning of the film she dies, and leads to the story of him digging up his old bad guy ways. Ghostbusters 1984

A classic for any kid or adult. Top notch special effects for its time,
and a great story that still holds up today. Its got the most awesome
80′s soundtrack you’ve ever heard, and has Bill Murray in top form,
delivering a classic comeback line "Its true… this man has no dick".
God that’s awesome. American history X 1998

This wasn’t a financial success in theatres and not necessarily
critically acclaimed, but I thought it was a great movie.  It’s a great
story that helps show that people of any race have the capability of
good and evil, and living with hate will not help yourself or your
world.  It’s a pretty graphic depiction of violence and racism that’s
set to show how hate breeds more hate. Pulp fiction 1994

Quentin Tarentino’s ultimate movie. With the incredible dialogue,
underworld reality, and gritty violence this movie will be a classic
forever. I still remember the first time I saw Samuel L. Jackson
delivering the verse from Ezekiel and then blowing the guy away. Cold
blooded shit son. Goodfellas 1990

This one appears on a lot of critics top movies, and regular moviegoers.
I’m not one to follow the crowd, but with this one I have to. This is a
bad ass movie about the power of fear and money in the Mob. As a
goodfella you could do whatever you wanted and nobody messed with you. You got women, money, drugs, power and all the respect but when you get sloppy your either gonna get a bullet or be forced to turn squealer. Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back 1980

What can I say about Star Wars… it has defined an entire species of
human known as the nerd, and it has influenced movies for decades. If I
had to choose just one it has to be Empire strikes back. You just cant
beat it. Classic quotes, you find out Darth Vader is Lukes father, its
darker than the others, Bulba Fett, and you meet Yoda. This is a classic
film and with Lucas tuning it up every ten years, it will probably last
forever. Stalag 17 1953

This is the oldest movie on my list but it deserves mention. It’s the
story of a bunch of P.O.W.’s in WWII Germany who have to live in a
prison camp and survive however they can. Eventually you come to find
out one of the prisoners is a spy from the Germans and the group points
fingers at everyone, and eventually they come to find it’s the chiseled
blonde hair, blue eyed guy… who would have figured? Great black and
white movie. V for Vendetta 2005

This comic book, turned graphic novel became an amazing film adaptation.
The film was altered from the novel in several ways especially with the
government being the ones to cause the events that led it to fascism. I
thought that change made it even better and more thought provoking with 9-11 so close behind. The movie was amazing in all facets of filmmaking especially dialogue and bad ass to boot. Good Will Hunting 1997

Writing doesn’t get much better than this, and doesn’t deliver so many
different levels.  Although the main character is a supergenius, his subconcious has blamed himself for his gloomy childhood and turns the
self-loathing into self destruction.  Then comes Robin Williams as the
psychiatrist… He wins an Oscar and helps to make the movie as great as
it is. Shawshank Redemption 1994

Morgan Freeman can narrate better than any human being alive.  This film
does a great job of showing hope and how a person can be free, even in
prison, based solely on a persons outlook. And can be trapped, even in
the freedom outside of prison. The movie is amazing although it did not
make much money in the theatres, and was overshadowed by Pulp Fiction
and Forrest Gump which came out that year but its something every person should see. Raiders of the Lost ark 1981

One of the ultimate movies of all time.  From the vicious punch sound
effects to the cool treasure hunter story this movie is remembered by
anyone of any age.  Good guys vs bad guys, cowboys vs Indians it’s the
formula anyone can love.  Pay no attention to kingdom of the crystal
skull… that was the antichrist of Indiana Jones. Silence of the lambs 1991

"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti" {slurp slurp
slurp}Anthony Hopkins barely had 15 minutes in this movie, but he
made it the classic it is.  This movie spawned dozens of serial killer
knockoff movies but none compare to this flick, and you’ll never think
of the song White Horses the same ever again. American Beauty 1999

One of the most visually deep movies I have ever seen.  On top of being
a great story of a man going through a mid-life crisis, the visual
attention to detail is beyond anything I can think of.  The clothing,
environment, shade of film, the set up of objects on screen, are all
subconsciously set up to effect our perception and reinforce the movie. 
Basically it fucks your eye sockets out. Forrest Gump 1994

Who doesn’t love an innocent retarded man?  This movie does something I have never seen done so well… It shows the world through a persons perspective, but because the character is slow the significance of the events in his life are all skewed in unusual ways.  He knows just the bare minimum of information and lives only worrying about the base needs, while the story of present day America happens around him. Taxi Driver 1976

In one of Robert De Niros best, he plays the lonely and pretty much
psychotic taxi driver Travis Bickle.  He gives the ol "You talking to
me?" speech that will be remembered forever and ends the flick with a
bloody gunfight that had to be toned down just to keep it R rated.  The
movie was so spot on to a sociopath, that the legal defense for John
Hinkley used the movie to help prove his insanity. Network 1976

This movie has been considered so important to American culture, and
history that in 2000 it was selected for preservation in the U.S.
National Film Registry.  In 1976, there was no reality TV, no Springer,
no shock TV, yet this film embraced the idea that a media company in
trouble would sink to any level to get its ratings.  Almost prophet
like.  The acting is by far the greatest piece to the movie and its
scary how its predictions have come true. Die Hard 1988

Yea that’s right DIE HARD.  I chose this movie because I love action
movies and think some of them deserve a place in critical awards, and
this movie was the catalyst for the action movies we see now and one of
the best ever made.  Who hasn’t ever said "Yippee Kay Yay mother
fucker"?? Rocky 1976

Its difficult to choose a movie having to do with Sylvester Stallone
because the guy has no respect for the art or craft and will beat a dead
horse until its red paint.  Yet the original Rocky was a great movie and
well written.  The nobody underdog against the champ… and who doesn’t
love a montage to Eye of the fuckin Tiger?? Dark Knight 2008

It might be too soon to throw this movie out there as one of the best
films ever, but im doing it any way.  Comic book movies may never be the
same again, and this movie has one of the most amazing soundtracks I can
think of, one of the best performances I can think of, and its epic
every time I see it.  Its amazing on so many levels, and an amazing move
from regular comic book movies to a gritty and real piece of art. JFK 1991

JFK quite possibly has the best editing Ive ever seen in a movie. Oliver
Stone exaggerates many things to create a stir as usual, but the movie
is such an amazing combination of styles and great acting.  It’s a long
film but the information touched on is scary realistic, even using the
real Zapruder film in a courtroom scene. Saving Private Ryan 1998

With one of the most amazing scenes in movie history I had to put this
movie in my top films.  If you didn’t get a chance to see the movie in
theatres, you missed out.  The D-Day scene in the beginning is 30
minutes of the most unreal footage I know of.  The movie also helps to
show the loss in war no matter what you do, but also the heroes that did
the craziest damn things you can think of for their country. Terminator 2 1991

As a kid I didn’t think anything got more badass than the terminator. 
As I grew up I started to understand more of the story and how
technology can be the most dangerous thing humans have.  Whether it be the atomic bomb or the terminator, humans are set up to self destruction.  It’s a grim realization when coming from the love of the amazing special effects and cool stunts. Terminator salvation will fuckin own you. L.A. confidential 1997

This is a great movie that captured a lot in its timeframe.  Characters
were allowed to grow and become something new, there was an amazing
amount of detail to the time period and slang etc. and on top of that
the acting was top notch and the story was an awesome mystery and
conspiracy.  Cinematography and editing was some of the best. 2001: A Space odyssey 1968

This could be Stanley Kubricks best work and many critics see it as the
best movie ever made.  I think its an amazing movie, and unbelievable
for a film to encompass humans from the dawn of man to our future in
2001 and dealing with extra terrestrials.  This movie does something Ive
never seen a movie do, (besides silent films) it has absolutely no
dialogue in the first and last 20 minutes.  Its completely run on music,
actions, images and sound effects. It may seem very surreal but its an
amazing movie. ]]> http://thishotfire.com/2009/the-best-movies-of-all-time/feed/ 27