Once upon a time, men were fucking men.  We were testosterone filled beings that brought home the bacon… that thought about important things like football, beer, and sexy time and that’s it. We kept things simple. We went to work, took care of our wife and mother of our children, watched some TV, BS’d with friends and slept comfortably in manly bliss.  Then the worst thing ever happened… Feminism.

Once feminists came around they decided all men were chauvinistic pigs that didn’t spend enough time vacuuming, changing diapers and cooking.  This slowly chiseled away at us with every woman beginning to become the naggy old bag that sucked the life out of us.  Men became guilty of something we didn’t even know we were guilty of, but once filled with guilt, it began the evolution.  An evolution becoming more and more sensitive, pussified, and as close to homo as can be without actually banging another man… The metrosexual.

In the early 2000′s we were all bombarded with the emergence of the term “metrosexual”. Wikipedia defines it as a man who has a strong concern for his appearance or a lifestyle that displays attributes stereotypically associated with homosexual men.  Taking 4 hours in the bathroom prior to a night out, manicures, pedicures, hair highlights, 5 thousand dollar debt from clothes shopping sprees, or going vegan.  Its sad for me to see a fellow man go down that dark road.  At one time, we went in the bathroom, shit, showered, shaved and got out of the way.  We didn’t know what a manicure or pedicure was let alone the difference.  Hair highlights we assumed happened naturally to hot chicks, and the only debt we accumulated was for 70 inch television sets, tools, and bar tabs.

So brewing beneath the surface, guys like myself have begged every douchebag to find the error in his ways, and come back to the glory days of real men.  That day may be coming… A new form of man.  The Retrosexual.  The current definition and comprehension of retrosexual is still a little hazy but the main premise is the counter punch to metrosexuals, and return to the golden days of men.  I can support that.  I can support retrosexuals 100 percent if this is the case.

Now im not saying lets return to days of cavemen bashing a woman over the head with a club and dragging her back to the cave… although that would make things easier… Im talking about a return to class and real manliness. A retrosexual is a Do-er, he fixes flat tires, works on a broken car, fixes broken appliances and leaky plumbing.  Chivalry died because of women, not us, but we can bring it back and reestablish men.  I hold doors open for women, I stand up if a woman comes in and theres no where to sit.  There are many things I will do and have no problem doing because Im a man god dammit.  Ill discipline the children, or give you money to go shopping. Ill pay for a date, Ill take a bullet to protect my lady, or defend her to the death.  If any man does not do these gentlemanly gestures you look on him as a “young punk” that needs a job and a hair cut. Yet with these in place, there are things IM NOT doing.

Im not cleaning the house, or doing the dishes.  Ever.

Im not changing diapers, giving baby baths, or doing laundry.

Theres no problem with you talking about your day or any other unbelievably boring garbage, but don’t expect me to listen to every word. Not gonna happen. Unless, its why the 49ers have a dominant team over the Raiders.

If I cook, its on a fucking barbecue, so buy me charcoal when your out buying groceries.

If you bake some sort of meat or poultry dinner, I feel my responsibility is to cut that meat with the utmost precision and my duties end there.

I have no preference or care at all about decoration or design of my living arrangements, so im not dealing with it.

Under no circumstances EVER do you come between me and live televised sports.  If you get the time of day during highlights on Sportscenter, consider yourself a very special woman.

I also do not watch chick flicks and sex and the city… Get over it.  Basically a retrosexual does not sacrifice excessive amounts of his manliness for women.

There are also different ways a retrosexual handles his buddies.  Theres no more shopping together for beachwear, or checking how you look in tuxedos.  If your shopping together, its for beer, red meat or guns.  You use your friends first name as little as humanly possibly, replacing it with a nickname.  Hugging, kissing, or crying are only permitted if heavily intoxicated and you apologize for any of these actions after your hang over has subsided.  Crying in any other scenario is few and far between and may be excused in the case of lose of a major limb, death of a pet (no fish or cats), or erectile dysfuntion.

In regards to a retrosexual dwelling, a retrosexual shows no real care about the physical surroundings in his domecile.  He needs furniture and regular necessities but does not care about what they look like, just that they serve its purpose.  The only piece of physical surrounding we care about is the 60 inch widescreen plasma TV with PS3 blu ray player and deafening surround sound.  We don’t do real grocery shopping, just graze on food that is “around”.  The only thing that needs to be in constant supply is beer or a fine whiskey.  Many times if eating red meat, a retrosexual also killed and cleaned it himself.  In lifestyle a retrosexual doesn’t plan to reach 80 years old, he lives a lavish life of cigars, booze and food that was once alive and moving.

There are also subtleties to retrosexuality… such as having a scar that can be bragged about.  (i.e. knife fight in mexico, assassins bullet etc.)  You should also be able to use, at the BARE MINIMUM, a basic set of tools and also should be able to know enough about a car engine to act like you know about a car engine.  He is also able to drive in ANY weather conditions, including a blizzard.

All in all I am in full 100 percent support of retrosexuals in my definition of the term.  If by some horrible sway of pop culture the term should change I will remove and burn this article.  But to all my fellow men out there, I salute you.