Soccer Sucks, and Americans Don’t Want It
Now when saying “Soccer sucks”, you need to be prepared for any soccer fan that would say your an ignorant American, or an ignorant sports fan etc… to that I say go back to smoking a fag and being a fag.
Soccer is not only boring as shit with a score about every decade.. But it’s also a walking advertisement that would make Nascar blush. Everyone is trying to ram the sport down my throat, and the world has been trying to get America interested for 60 years. Guess what? Its not going to fucking happen!! Ive heard soccer fans explain, with pride, that they “run” 4 miles a game. WOO HOO! We get to watch 90+ minutes of little fairies jogging around. That sure gives me reason to blow on one of those stupid fucking horns the crowd carries to every match. Know how else it sucks? Highlights of soccer encompass things that “almost happened” in the game. When ESPN has nothing else they could possibly show, then we get soccer highlights showing missed shots, missed passes, etc. That is BEYOND lame.
On top of being boring as hell, part of the strategy of the game is to be a huge pussy. I saw an ESPN highlight of a player raise his arms questioning a call and one hand came close to another players face, without touching him, to which the other player clasped his face and fell to the ground. Other player gets red carded, faker stays in the game, coach probably pats his ass and gets one of the towel boys to play with his ding dong after the game. Its pathetic, and a major factor in Americans not giving a shit about the “sport”. To top it off France is good at it, this being the backbone of my thesis that it’s a pussy sport.
Did you know about 55% of all soccer games end in a tie. TIES are WEAK. When I watch a competition theres supposed to be a WINNER. 99% of the time opposing teams will also fellate each other before and after a game, FACT.
To anyone who experienced a drunken bar trip watching soccer during World Cup and had a blast, and feel the need to defend it.. well please, Stop. First off if your getting hammered you would have fun watching female track and field… its not saying a lot. Second your around a shitload of other drunken people who want to cheer at anything as a mob… I once saw a drunk man put a cigarette out on his tongue to a thunderous applause from a crowd. That’s actually pretty awesome.. but its still retarded.
When some douchebag is giving you shit for not liking soccer during the world cup, and explains how its “the worlds game” tell him to suck your ass… The World cup includes 32 countries of which is highly disproportionate to Europe. Most third world countries like soccer because it’s the cheapest sport playable, and by cheap I mean really fucking cheap. Some homeless kids that eat animal feces, and live in a tree can still roll up a ball of mud and kick it around in a soccer like fashion. Yeah, a soccer game is a wondrous event in your nation’s history. Granted these nations still have to master indoor plumbing, and electricity. I don’t give a shit what Europeans like and Soccer is not objective. There is no play clock. The game doesn’t end after the clock has run down. This adds bias, subjectivism and appeals to lower intellects, and makes last second victories non-existant. Contrast such clumsy timekeeping and the lack of any discernable strategy to the precision of the two-minute drill in football. The 2 minute drill has to be one of the most exciting times in sport.
So what arguments you got soccer fans?
How about.. “Its not popular in the US because it wasn’t invented in the U.S.”
To this I say, soccer originated from the North American game called pasuckuakohowog several hundred years before the British played anything close to it. I also say basketball, and football were created by Canadians, yet they are the two most popular sports in America.
Or how about “Its not popular in the US because the US sucks at soccer”
Now I say, The US soccer team won the World Cup in 1991 and 1999… find another reason chief.
Now lets take a closer look at soccer fans themselves. These people have murdered referees for bad calls, set themselves on fire, or fought to the death in defense of a team that doesn’t even know they exist. I think that’s a pretty solid indicator of the mental stability of soccer fans. These dumbasses go to games where cheering and screaming doesn’t even have a point. Football fans can successfully cause opposing teams’ offenses to call timeouts, make them use up the play clock, screw up audibles or cause procedure penalties. Hell even baseball cheering serves a purpose, just ask Bill Buckner. Then in soccer, they sing a song in unison that sounds the same in Africa, as it does in England regardless of point in the game or opponents state in the game.
In the end I just want the stupid ass world cup to be over and football season to start so I can drink a beer and ENJOY what im watching. I don’t need a soccer game to serve as a purpose to drink, Ill just drink to the 10 minute anniversary since my dog took a shit. Its good enough for me.
LMAO. Holy shit, if Sadaam was still alive he would probably boil you in oil for writing this. Hell, some psycho fan might boil you in oil for this. I will merely say, good article sir.
pasuckuakohowog? How in gods name did you pull that out of your ass? I had to wikipedia that shit to see if you were yankin me. Way to do your research. Shit.
this shit is so boring. i watched the first mtch with england and usa and started drinking with buddies but noone hardly watched anything. We just got fucked up and nobody gave a shit what happened. soccer is fuckin WHACK
Two Words…. PULITZER PRIZE! …here is the entry form link
http://www.pulitzer.org/files/entryforms/2010jentformbutton.pdf
Fantastic article
Well ugly-land…how does it feel to be tied (boorrriiinnng) in your national pride sport?
And be tied by a country that does not give a flying spunk about soccer!
Even with USAs third rate athletes…we can still keep up with your best.
Soccer still sucks !
What an awesome article. Feels good to know even during the World Cup that we can still realize this sport is fucking BORING.
“99% of the time opposing teams will also fellate each other before and after a game, FACT.”
When I read that I spit soda out on my keyboard. Funny shit man
What a breathe of fresh air. Hearing about soccer nonstop on ESPN and the news is pissing me off. What about the NBA finals? Stanley Cup win? Shit even NFL training camp? So gay.. What channels normally show highlights of soccer? or like you said, “almost highlights”. Let those channels do it ESPN!!
Not sure what got up your ass bro but futbol is the shit. I hit the pub and have all the fun in the world when the world cup is on. I could watch futbol all day. Give me a pint and a world cup match and im a happy soul.
lol. Lots of sports are boring but besides baseball this has to be the most boring thing ever!!! UUGH. Usually its not even on TV and that time is great, lol.
Normally I agree with you Miggity, but not on this. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it sucks. Example? I hated “Citizen Kane”. I’m not going to go on the offensive in a pro-soccer rant. I’m just saying that not everything in this world has to appeal to everyone all the time. I’m not a basketball fan, but I understand that a lot of people really like it so I don’t freak out every Spring when they begin their 3 month playoff. This, on the other hand, is one month every four years. I think you can manage.
And to make one correction… the US does, in fact, suck at soccer. They’ve never won it (haven’t even finished in the top 4 in the last 75 years). What you may be thinking of is the 1999 WOMEN’S World Cup that the US won. And you know as well as anyone Mitch, any splittail sport is completely irrelevant and a complete waist of time.
And as for you Sara Thomas… LOL don’t feel bad… baseball isn’t really intended for the simple minded, LOL.
Asshole.
Round 1:
You caught me blibbity… it was a reference to the womens team wins. I sold my own believes out to back up another argument, I am ashamed of myself. Therefore you win that round.
Round 2:
I dont give a shit if its one month every decade. Id rather hear about how Randy Moss bitch slapped a teammate in practice than hear about a missed soccer pass in a Nil – Nil Tie. Im sorry, a game or match of “almost” scores and pussyness strategy is BORING. How dare you say “I can manage” you sound like a wife forcing her husband out to go window shopping.. Your better than that blibbity.
Round 3:
Sara Thomas. Baseball is Americas game and you commented on my site, so I cant reem you that badly, but you should probably shut up when men are talking.
In the end, I win. Soccer blows. You are right that in some cases if someone doesnt like it it doesnt necessarily suck, unless its me. Then it in fact does suck.
I HAVE SPOKEN
I agreed with pretty much everything you had to say, and thought this was funny when referring to soccer fans;
“These people have murdered referees for bad calls, set themselves on fire, or fought to the death in defense of a team that doesn’t even know they exist.”
LMAO, soccer fans are more bad ass and cool than the actual players. Thats fucking funny dude. Just look at David Beckhams gay ass.
Could not have said it better myself. Soccer could put Sominex out of business.
Awesome article! I’m trapped in Argentina for business and, well, i guess you can figure the rest out. Just a few additional points:
-Beyond it being a boring drain of life as already mentioned, I hate it because of the “players” we have in the US. As a REAL football player, I was always hearing from the soccer homos how it’s the roughest sport in the world and how they run for 90 minutes. Really? More like run 20 minutes, jog 40 minutes, and stand and watch the other sissies the rest of the time. It’s a joke. Toughest sport? good one also, its the point of them acting tough that bothers me – when even the football moms pointed at the field next door and said “look at the soccer fags”. Also, please stop the faking you goddam idiots, you looks like an a$$hole and it makes a bad game completely a joke. Skill? There is a reason that its the only sport you are able to play before you go to kindergarten. Claro.
If they all lost the attitude and said “ok, its a women’s sport (Game actually), we are not tough enough to play anything else, we walk most of the time, its running with a ball in the way, we are not players..just participants” etc, then i might let them slide. Not watch it, just not want to punch them.
Wow this is a great resource.. I’m enjoying it.. good article
Hola. Me gustaría saber como va a finalizar este mundial ya que se esta viendo a algunos equipos que estan jugando muy bien, ustedes que piensan ?
Great blog post.Really looking forward to read more.
Germany goalkeeper Manuel Neuer admitted he “fooled” referee Jorge Larrionda into making the most controversial decision of the World Cup.
Thus, soccer is fucking bullshit.
What a superb example of American stupidity this article is. First off, nobody is asking Americans to embrace soccer. Second, if you are going to make a case against the soccer (or any sport, for that matter), you might as well do it in an objective, mature fashion. I mean, seriously…this article really looks like it was written by a 12-yr old. Can you write a sentence without using “shit”, “fuck” or “pussy”??? Do you really think that makes you “clever” or “though”??? I suggest you go back to night school (and finish this time around) before you attempt to write another one of your pieces. Until then, you will only continue to embarrass yourself while entertaining the crowd a Neanderthals from above, my friend.
Good post !
Wow you seriously dont know the first about soccer till you have played. Just because you’re fatass cant do any of it doesn’t mean its a weak sport. Maybe you should go out and try it yourself before makin statements. Your an effin deuch!
Hahaha.. “Annonyms Person’. Obviously your a fucking retarded third grader too small to play a mans sport, and too stupid to spell Anonymous with spellcheck. Go kick the ball around with some of the girls, tough guy.
Ummm actually dumbass you have to do way more shit in soccer than any other sport and im a fuckin girl for your info and who gives a shit about spelling! Wow you honestly need to grow a pair.
You heard the woman who cant spell Timmy. Grow a pair.
And woman who cant spell, soccer sucks. Sorry.
“You have to do way more shit in soccer than any other sport”
That has to be the dumbest thing Ive seen posted on this website. AND THATS SAYING SOMETHING. Im sorry your mentally and physically inferior to us, but just accept your sport sucks and go back in the kitchen… preferably to prepare me and Tim some dinner.
Femanon – you have clearly gotten lost on the internet. Please follow this link to get back to where you should be playing: hellokittyonline.com
Leave rational thought and intellectual discourse to those with the capacity to engage therein.
Well played Kevin. Well played indeed.
Soccer is boring to watch, but fun to play.
You are an angry man. You should examine that.
If there’s one major difference between soccer and football, it’s that some football players and fans try to define their manhood by the sport. I played football, I know the attitude, but I’m going to say this to you. To those who feel badass watching and playing, the ones who have come here to talk about people in other sports, I’d like to invite you fairies over to Iraq to get shot at a few times by insurgents with AK-47s. Watch your best friend get shot in the sternum like I did, and listen to him gurgling up blood talking about how much he loves his girlfriend back at home. That’s what real warriors have to see. You aren’t warriors, you’re fucking pretenders with pads and flashy colors. And Trizzane, just shut the fuck up with your football mom shit, that just shows how much of a fag YOU are. My mom never said shit like that, not sure what sort of trash your mom was.
I’m Brazilian, so you can assume I watch Football (or soccer if you’re American). I can tell you are a troll and are just trying to upset football fans.
But there are some things I agree with you. All the faking and theatrics really make the game boring. There should be a 5th ref with a TV set to watch replays carefully and correct any mistakes such as those.
fuck you, Football, Baseball,Basketball, and all the pussy shit Americans like. I’m Soooo glad every time USA gets their ass whipped by 3rd world countries! Iraq anyone? LOL!!!
Spot on!
“missed shots”, that’s the core of soccer! If you watch a soccer game, all the ‘drama’ comes from missed shots and those “almost!” goals.
Tension and frustration builds up throughout the game because the game does not deliver the satisfaction of success and achievement. Instead, we get to see missed shots and faked injuries
Finally, when the game ends (at some arbitrary moment) and the score is a whopping 1-0 (which is actually great because at least it’s not a tie) and the only goal was the result of a penalty kick … that just tears it! It’s no wonder soccer fans riot and start breaking shit. The game is designed to frustrate. The game is fundamentally flawed.
Now when saying “Soccer sucks”, you need to be prepared for any soccer fan that would say your an ignorant American
“your an ignorant american”
Yeah, stopped reading right there.
Wow, your a sexist swine, trolling the Internet with your filthy profanity and odd anger towards soccer. That just shows what a man you are
It also shows that you never get laid and spend your extra time being a troll. P.S. Hot Brazilian dudes play soccer, with sick abs and thy are the ones getting laid. Not you or your drunken comrades.
fucking moron there was no world cup 1991 or 1999
I remember reading this way back and always loved this article, and then I caught a video on yahoo that exemplifies what you talk about. This video shows the lengths soccer playing fairies go to fake penalties..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIGXAX4wrRE
@John: women’s world cup douche bag.
Love the article. I can enjoy a quick game of soccer if there is no football around, or I forgot my ball glove, but it’s really disgusting how it is force fed to us by espn every four years. I went to a soccer game in germany, Fürth vs Sankt Pauli and I almost killed myself. The only redeeming aspect to the experience was the beer and wurst.
Anyways, there is nothing in soccer that could ever match a walkoff homerun, a perfect game, a touchdown in the back of the end-zone or a 52 yard field goal. Nothing that could match a buzzer beater in the NBA finals.
And not to leave out hockey. I you think running for 90 minutes is hard try skating at full speed for two.
A shocking new study has emphatically proven beyond all doubt that one-third of all football players are gay. The study is Truth with a capital T: iron-clad, airtight, and waterproof. Just try to find something wrong with the methodology (emphasis added):
In his study of homosexuality among sportsmen in the United States, openly gay sociologist Dr Eric Anderson found that 19 in a sample of 47 had taken part in acts intended to sexually arouse other men, ranging from kissing to mutual masturbation and oral sex.
The 47 men, aged 18-23, were all American football players who previously played at the high school (secondary school) level but had failed to be picked for their university’s team and were now cheerleaders instead.
What a bunch of crap. That percentage of gay players is way too small! I conducted a similar study composed of former football players who became interior designers and Broadway stars, with a handful of lumberjacks who worked in steel mills during the off-season. And it may be hard for you to believe from your sheltered, anti-intellectual little bubble of homophobia, but it’s true: football players are doing it with each other ALL THE TIME.
USA never won a world cup stupid ignorant obese american and just so you know there wasn’t the world cup in 1991 and 1999. THE IDIOT FAG WHO WROTE THIS IS JEALOUS BECAUSE HIS PUSSY ASS CAN’T PLAY SOCCER AND HIS WIFE IS GETTING FUCKED BY A SOCCER PLAYER.
SO DEAR OBESE AMERICANS, STOP GOING TO MACDONALD AND START PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!!!1
HAHAHAHA.. I still get updates for this article, and when morons like the last guy post, it only enforces everything you said. BRAVO my friend.
Soccer is for pussies.
We see it.
We know it.
We say it.
SOCCER SUCKS!
Thanks for the best article written ever about soccer! Everything you said is true and what I’ve thought and have never said. After watching my daughter play it for too many agonizing years, I realized it wasn’t her team or coach that sucked, it was soccer that sucked. What the heck! Make the goals bigger or something, no score? really? Watching soccer is actually a form of punishment. I wish it was banned in the U.S. In Portland, OR. they recently took a baseball team out to put a soccer team in. What the… And what’s with the crowd singing? and what are they even saying?
I don’t get it. AT ALL.
Hi Beth…
I love you.
That is all.
Besides having a grandfather who played internationally, who I am beyond proud of, soccer is an amazing sport actually requiring stamina which is why you, Mitch, probably don’t like it. Did you know that when you place one foot in front of the other at a fast pace…that’s called running…give it a try! Oh..and all your male egotistical remarks…they’re not going to help you lose your virginity with your “big penis” (which obviously means you have a sad excuse of a member). Sorry that some girl clearly broke your heart and left you for someone who obviously rocked her world, but don’t worry…your mom’s cooking, basememt, and vagina will always be there for you.
Kisses
Xoxo