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The Best Drunk Food
As a man who enjoys the game of drink, I have had many nights stumbling through the kitchen in a daze drooling for something edible and delicious. From raw pasta sticks to frozen pizza, Ive chewed on just about everything because I was so drunk I didnt know what to do. Sometimes I still had my wits about me enough to eat something in order to dim down the hangover coming the next morning.
This re-occurring dilemma has gotten me to compile some of the absolute best edible entrees in the categories of deliciousness, speed, hangover curability, AND price. Because any self respecting alcoholic spends 99% of the bankroll on the booze, so being frugal in drunk food purchases is essential.
It has taken many years to weed out the shitty foods, or the foods that just trick you or are too pricey. So Ill make mention of those to help you stay away.
So heres my list of the BEST drunk foods with variable measurements from 1-10:
DiGiornio Garlic Bread pizza
If you havent tried this frozen pizza, your missing out. This pizza is fucking delicious, even outside of drunk munchies. But with the greasiness, large size, and large amount of bread, it all helps to almost completely wipe out any ensuing hangover. The price is low for an entire pizza at 5-8 bucks. The only real downside here is the speed. If your too slaughtered you could pass out waiting 28 minutes for it to cook, with the oven on 425 degrees. House burning down = ALL BAD.
Deliciousness: 9
Speed: 1
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 7
Del taco macho combo burrito
For the folks out there still going to Taco Bell… your retarded. Del Taco owns your face and has a lot more food than just this macho burrito, but for drunk munchies the macho burrito is the best. Big, loaded with food, and fuckin delicious. Combo is about $8, and its fast food so definitely good speed.
Deliciousness: 8
Speed: 9
Hangover curability: 6
Price: 6
Blended fruit smoothie
This is a little different than some greasy ass pile of food, obviously in taste but it wont totally fill you up. Dont think your going to be hitting jamba juice or some nice spot at 3 in the morning, im talking about the donut shop smoothy so there will be a shitload of sugar and hopefully at least 5% fruit juice.
Deliciousness: 6
Speed: 5
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 8
Tri tip sandwich
This piece of heaven might take a little long but when you take that first bite of medium rare, juicy, season covered tri tip… its all worth it. A real man will cover that bad boy in some grilled onions and bellpeppers, possibly some sautee’d mushrooms and BAM! Cream your pants from the delcious onslaught of deliciousness.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 2
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 6
Carne’ Asada Fries
Not much compares to the awesome power of a hole in the wall mexican food spot with carne asada fries. For those unaccustomed to the carne fries.. this is how it works. You fry up some steaming fresh french fries, then immediatly cover them with refried beans, carne asada, frsh salsa, guacamole, sour cream, and all the cheese you want. Its enough to bring a man to sexual satisfaction.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 8
Hangover curability: 8
Price: 8
Monster Polish Dog
Now you have to understand… any ol’ polish dog wont do it. You need to get everything just right. You need fresh soft bread of the best kind, steamed or toasted. Then once youve got some high quality dogs, you can either boil em’ or BBQ em’. Then the toppings can range from just a smidge of ketchup to a fully loaded beast with ketchup, mustard, onions, tomatoes, sauerkraut, bell peppers, relish, and hell some people might throw chili and cheese on top of that.
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 6
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 8
Biggest mistakes in drunk food
Tommy burger with chili fries
I made this mistake twice in my life… but never again. Sure when your starving a chili burger with chili fries would fill you up, but when your body has already been dragged through the gauntlet of booze and heavy drinking, this would be the last thing it needs. Imagine beer shits on steroids my friend. Pooping so hard you cry yourself to sleep on the toilet and wake up 2 hours later with your legs numb. NOT GOOD.
Sushi
No matter where you go, this is a bad decision… even worse for patrons of 7-11. Ive seen many men fall from the sushi. If you are plastered do yourself a favor and steer clear of the sushi, it will do nothing but destroy you and probably make you barf. Just say no to the “Rainbow Roll”.
A tall glass of milk
When your moments from passing out and theres no time to spare and you reach in the fridge for one last non-alcoholic drink.. be sure its not that gallon of milk. Nothing will make you spew quicker than a few chugs of milk when your slaughtered. Ive seen folks do it, survive long enough to pass out and then wake up in the middle of the night to regurgitate everything they’ve eaten for 2 days. Not pretty.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:46 PM
I have to say Im in agreance with all your selections… but you missed one. Not being your fault, but in my world travels (to Kentucky) there is a Sub shop, called Penn Station…. Let me tell you my good man, Penn Station is to Subway… like Del taco is to Taco-Hell… Total different ball game. The subs are BIG, the bread they use is AMAZING, they only have one type.. that should tell you something, its got just enough grease on it to help and all the toppings are super fresh… only down side is it’s a little high on the price side.. Your looking at close to 13$$ for a combo meal.. but you wont finish the Sub. Penn Station try it out if you ever find one.
Deliciousness: 12
Speed: 8
Hangover curability: 7
Price: 4
Great artical too.
July 6th, 2009 at 10:47 PM
Fuck. I wanna get drunk and eat that monster polish dog now. that sounds good.
July 7th, 2009 at 5:24 AM
Timmy you’d eat that monster polish dog even if you weren’t drunk you butt ranger.
I personally would take out the blended fruit smoothie and substitute it with the Jack in the Box Tacos. Those tacos have been a solution far too many times to be omitted from recognition.
LONG LIVE LOS TACOS!
July 7th, 2009 at 7:23 AM
My Boys…everyone knows the best preventer and/or cure for a hangover is a steaming hot bowl of menudo. Feeling those pig intestines slither down your throat is like nothing any of you pikers have ever felt. Give it a try, get back to me. One word of warning, do NOT take any fat blocking weight loss medication in conjunction with the menudo cure.
deliciousness 10+
speed 8
hangover curability 10
price 8
July 7th, 2009 at 7:53 AM
my junior year in college i got hooked on one specific late night drunk food… home made breakfast sandwiches. some eggs, ham, bacon, and cheese on a buttered hero roll. this ritual became so routine that i would stock up on these fixings every time i would buy beer. there used to be guys on my team that would stop by after a night at the bars just to see if i was up cooking.
that’s how i roll miggity!
July 7th, 2009 at 10:09 AM
damn.. i’ve made that sushi mistake before.. and i nearly shitted out every internal organ i had in my small frail body.. hahah.
July 7th, 2009 at 12:31 PM
BUTT RANGER!?
this with the guy who has “magnum” in his name. Im assuming you like “the big ones”? Nice magnum trojan loaded with spunk must be your cup of tea??
July 7th, 2009 at 1:22 PM
Dude Del Taco is the best drunk food ever, but you forgot getting a Denny’s big fat breakfast platter at 3am, which is a close close second.
P.S. NICE POLISH DOG PICTURE
July 7th, 2009 at 1:30 PM
Damn… Im so hungry now. I need to try that garlic bread pizza, I keep seeing it. Looks good
July 7th, 2009 at 1:58 PM
Milk is awful! Check out thisiswhyyourfat.com some of those foods can be drunk food
July 7th, 2009 at 4:17 PM
Man!? no breakfast foods!? what the hell!?!
Pancakes with peanut butter and maple syrup. Side of bacon, and hashbrowns. that is the most delicious drunk food ever
Deliciousness: 10
Speed: 5
Hangover curability: 9
Price: 7
July 7th, 2009 at 4:49 PM
and mitch… i feel your forgot one important aspect in your scoring system. next day diarreah factor. example: out in arizona, they have a chain of 24 hour taco joints called filiberto’s. pretty awesome late night drunk snack. however, everyone familiar with this practice knows that you’re taking the risk of having your ass hole on fire and bleeding the next morning.
i just feel that may be something you over looked… on pretty much everything except the fruit smoothie. i think you could score this by the number of preparation h applications needed the next day.
July 7th, 2009 at 4:52 PM
blibbity is right. “Asshole damage” should be given a 1-10 scale.
July 7th, 2009 at 6:57 PM
damn. I read through everything and then thought about having every single one of these in one drunk meal.
slice of garlic bread pizza
a macho combo burrito
1/2 tri tip sandwich
couple carne asada fries
1/2 monster polish dog
tommy burger with fries
sushi
AND WASH IT DOWN with a fruit smoothy and a glass of milk.
I want to vomit.
July 8th, 2009 at 7:41 AM
when you walked into my old house you have an amazing vew of our kitchen and its a side view of the fridge… we walked in from a party one day and a friend of mine was blacked out in his boxer briefs mayonayse jar in one hand and a spoon in the other… the spanish word for this moment is verguensa