Recession affects everyone. Even whores

I will soon have a decent amount of time away from my day job because regular work sucks my ass… so i’m currently planning a trip to Europe. Because everyone knows Europe loves Americans, and because I have no culture or travel under my belt and they drink like beasts over there, which is fantastic. Id like to play a couple games of beer pong, drink some more beer, then enjoy a finer selection of european beers.  Basically I would like to partake in beer drinking.

So in my research for the cheapest plane tickets I uncovered information on Europe suffering from the recession and different clever advertising for everything from absinth to tour trips around Europe.  I then came across something I could only conclude to be awesometastical.  What could cause me to combine 3 words?

Gift certificates, rebates and clever bargain deals… for hookers.

I nearly shat my pants in a splattery fashion.  I like to keep myself well informed on the difficult issues in the world, because I’m a compassionate man, and I found myself very sad to hear that the whores of Germany are in tough financial times like everyone else.  As a tear rolled down my cheek, I began reading about economic difficulties for the world of legal prostitution and as I read further I found that they were getting creative with their deals… they were looking for inventive ways to “stimulate my package”… if you will.

I went so far as to find a deal at Berlins “Pussy Club” for a 70-euro admission charge (about $93 American) for unlimited food, drink and sex between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m.  Yes. You read that correctly.  UNLIMITED FOOD, DRINKS AND SEX for 6 hours!!!  Holy fucking shit.  All the beer, beer soup, and beer drenched vagina I can handle.  That’s all I can really say.

Other brothels.. wait, you know what, im gonna call it like it is, its not a brothel it’s a god damn whorehouse.  So let me rephrase… Other whorehouses have set up all inclusive flat-rate fees.  ALL INCLUSIVE, therefore a flat fee will get you everything you want.  Want a girl to stomp on your junk? Give you a Cleveland steamer? Give you a Houston taint stripper? A Stockton typewriter?  A San Antonio upside-down butter churn? Then its all the same price fella’s.  Drop a Benjamin and get anything your sick heart desires.  They also offer senior discounts.

After doing some more research I found that Germany has about 400,000 professional prostitutes. That number doesn’t differentiate between male and female, but the manwhores only account for a small number.  So because of the huge number of employed hookers they allowed them to enter into labor contracts a little over 5 years ago.  Which allows them to set up health insurance, and other employer benefits like a 401K.  I also found that the annual revenue for whoring is nearly $18 million dollars US.

Man, I wanna be a financial advisor for hookers.

So if you’re a hooker in Europe you’ve got a chance at legitimate employment.  On top of Germany, prostitution is also legal and regulated in the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Hungary, Greece, Turkey and in some parts of Australia, and in Nevada.  In other countries like Luxembourg, Latvia, Denmark, Belgium and Finland, it is legal but whorehouses and pimping are not.  Escort service style I guess.

When looking over all this information I found a magical correlation.  Countries that have legalized organized prostitution have lower crime rates in murder, rape, and suicide.  Europe also has entire cities that survive on taxes provided by prostitution, AIDS and STD rates are lower, divorce rates are lower, and who doesn’t want that!?  Obviously there’s problems like teenage and little boy prostitution… ew.  Yet any data you look at shows countries with legalized prostitution are not more negatively affected than countries where its illegal.

So I’m basically saying prostitution is magical and should be legalized.  Get some tax money, get some ladies a job with benefits, and stressed out/ugly/fat guys some poon tang.

GERMANY… BEER… AND WHORES… HERE I COME!!!